While I am in the process of writing a more developed essay about serious stuff, I’m going to lighten the mood here with some workplace fun facts. As I’m sure you know, we spend a large quantity of our time with our co-workers. Inevitably, things they do will get on our nerves. As you are a perfect human being like me, you are always courteous and cool. You never walk through the entire office whistling “Oh Susanna” for days on end. And I’m sure you don’t even know what *crop dusting is.

I’ve been keeping a list of ways the people I work with make me nuts. More nuts. While going through my list, I noticed a lot of these complaints were food related. Being the flexible and talented writer I am, I decided to revise and edit. My friends, I give you:

 Food For Thought: Top 5 Reasons Food Should Be Banned from My Office

 1. Stealing Food from the Refrigerator

Stacy walks to the office kitchen with a spring in her step. She made a wonderful salad for lunch and she’s been looking forward to it all morning. She even marked her container with her name and a smiley face. She opens the fridge and screams in terror. Most of her salad is gone and the happy little lid from her container is sitting in the garbage can under a poopy diaper.  Okay, there wasn’t really a poopy diaper in the kitchen garbage, but typing poopy diaper three times  really made me laugh.

Stacy doesn’t have time to run out for food, so her day is ruined. Every person she deals with this afternoon will incur the wrath of hangry Stacy. Poor Stacy will be chewing on her arm by 2 o’clock.

Don’t eat someone else’s lunch! It’s quite disgusting. What if they spit in their own food? What if it has curry in it?  Plus, it’s more than rude. It’s just mean. You don’t want to be mean, do you?

2. Potluck Abuse

Tammy was up all night piping fluffy, flavored yolks into hard-boiled eggs for the office potluck. She was sure to make enough so that everyone could eat two deviled eggs. The paprika was sprinkled on top with artistic care.  Tammy pushes store bought cookies and 2-liters of soda aside to display her culinary masterpiece. There are only 8 food items on the banquet table, but they all look delicious. She turns around to see that there are 25 people in line for food.

Wait, wha??  My friends, it is so uncool to show up at the office potluck only to dip your filthy head in the trough. In the spirit of “pay-to-play,” you must, MUST bring something to share, otherwise you cannot eat. It’s bad karma, folks. Society has made it so easy for us to find food. Even gas stations have offerings. Buy a bunch of candybars. How ‘bout a case of soda pop? For pete’s sake, grab the jar of queso dip and some Tostitos!  Brighten up, Lollipop!  It’s time to be an adult person at work.

3. Microwave Assault

I’m just going to be frank with you. It’s tough love, but I say these things to help you.

 Everyone thinks you’re an asshole when you heat up fish in the microwave. Everyone thinks you’re an asshole when you burn popcorn in the microwave. Everyone.

Okay, I know you like to eat fish. Guess what? You can eat it cold. Or microwave it for just a few seconds, 15 tops, so it’s not ice cold. That’s it. 15 seconds is all we can take before we develop a very real and very deep hatred for you personally.  Tell you what, save your fish for dinner…at your house.

If you burn the popcorn, I’m sorry, you’re fired. You must leave immediately.

4. Stinky Food at Your Desk

Fish is not the only offensive smell at the office. Just because you left your fish at home, don’t think you’re off the hook. Arnold has had a busy day, so he has to catch up on Walking Dead…ahem, I mean emails during lunch. That’s cool, Arnold. Enjoy your meal.

Arnold brought a whole onion for lunch. He’s slicing it up at his desk and chewing every bite with animated, audible delight. Oh, he’s got a container of feta cheese, too!  Here I thought someone was merely farting, but it’s actually Arnold’s broccoli casserole. Dude, we’re trying to work here. We don’t care to breathe your food odors for your hour-long lunch break. It’s peanut butter and jelly for you tomorrow. If you bring in an onion again, I’ll give you something to cry about.

5. For the Love of God, Shut Your Mouth When You Eat!!!

Margaret has found some leftover fish in the fridge. It’s marked with the name “Holly,” but that’s okay, Margaret doesn’t mind. She then heats up the Holly fish in the microwave everyone shares and brings it back to her desk, so we can all enjoy Holly’s lunch.

Let’s reflect on this for a moment. You may notice some rules have been trotted upon here. How does Margaret even have a job? Good question. This is hypothetical; don’t get too bogged down with the details.

As if all this wasn’t bad enough, Margaret starts digging in with her metal utensils, needlessly scraping them together. Then the real fun starts. Margaret puts the food in her mouth and begins the loud and obnoxious nom-nom process. Everyone around Margaret can hear her every smackety-smackety chew. Marvin was trying to speak to a client on the phone, but he had to hang up. Yeah, it was that loud. People actually do eat like this. Adult people. If you were raised in a barn or raised by wolves, I apologize, that’s terrible. Only people who have been raised by wolves are allowed to eat this way. And just the one time. After that, you will be asked to eat outside.  Margaret, you are foul. Thanks for capping it all off with an enthusiastic burp. (Yeah, this really happens.)

Bottom line: Use some common sense at work. Wake up and realize that there are other people around you and act accordingly. You can do whatever you want at home, but at work you need to do better.  You’re making all of us want to puke.

*crop dusting – While walking by a group of people, silently fart, leaving them with the foul stench of your butt’s outburst.